officialunitedstates:

Many of us know Olive Garden’s slogan When You’re Here, You’re Family.  Well, I recently put that to the test.
The tables were wooden and nice to sit at.  The chairs were also comfortable.  The view wasn’t anything special, but there was a pretty cool looking van in the Walmart parking lot that had flames on its sides. 
I was immediately offered wine, and after admitting I was underage, refused wine.  If you’re going to offer me wine, please don’t rescind your offer.  It’s common courtesy.
The napkins were probably the highlight.  They were cloth and worked really well at cleaning the windows.  One waiter told me I didn’t have to do that, but I insisted.  After all, I like a good, clear view of parking lots.  Who doesn’t.
Finally, it was time to order.  I went with the pizza.  The menu said I could pick four toppings, so I chose half portions of eight toppings.  There were only seven to choose from, though, so I made one up.  “…and blorgaspork.”
"Sorry?  What is blorgaspork?"
"That’s your job to know, now isn’t it."
After a reasonable wait, my food arrived.  It was a really good meal, not exactly overpriced, but not exactly underpriced either.  It was just priced.
My waiter soon arrived and asked me if I wanted dessert. 
"Steve," I said, "Have a seat."
He did.
"I have this business idea.  And while I’m here, and we’re family, I was hoping you could give me a loan."
Steve tried to laugh it off.  Like it was some kind of joke.  I was offended and he could tell.  “Steve, this isn’t a joke.”
Steve looked a bit nervous.  I grabbed his hands and pinned them to the table.  “Are we family or not, Steve.”
"Not in the literal sense…" said Steve.  I wasn’t going to let him reason his way out of this one. 
"Look, Steve.  I cleaned your windows.  Family does that for each other.  They clean each others’ windows.  Now, don’t you think I deserve that loan?  We’re family, Steve, we’re family."
Steve handed me 13 bucks.  “Thanks, Steve.”
★★★☆☆

officialunitedstates:

Many of us know Olive Garden’s slogan When You’re Here, You’re Family.  Well, I recently put that to the test.

The tables were wooden and nice to sit at.  The chairs were also comfortable.  The view wasn’t anything special, but there was a pretty cool looking van in the Walmart parking lot that had flames on its sides. 

I was immediately offered wine, and after admitting I was underage, refused wine.  If you’re going to offer me wine, please don’t rescind your offer.  It’s common courtesy.

The napkins were probably the highlight.  They were cloth and worked really well at cleaning the windows.  One waiter told me I didn’t have to do that, but I insisted.  After all, I like a good, clear view of parking lots.  Who doesn’t.

Finally, it was time to order.  I went with the pizza.  The menu said I could pick four toppings, so I chose half portions of eight toppings.  There were only seven to choose from, though, so I made one up.  “…and blorgaspork.”

"Sorry?  What is blorgaspork?"

"That’s your job to know, now isn’t it."

After a reasonable wait, my food arrived.  It was a really good meal, not exactly overpriced, but not exactly underpriced either.  It was just priced.

My waiter soon arrived and asked me if I wanted dessert. 

"Steve," I said, "Have a seat."

He did.

"I have this business idea.  And while I’m here, and we’re family, I was hoping you could give me a loan."

Steve tried to laugh it off.  Like it was some kind of joke.  I was offended and he could tell.  “Steve, this isn’t a joke.”

Steve looked a bit nervous.  I grabbed his hands and pinned them to the table.  “Are we family or not, Steve.”

"Not in the literal sense…" said Steve.  I wasn’t going to let him reason his way out of this one. 

"Look, Steve.  I cleaned your windows.  Family does that for each other.  They clean each others’ windows.  Now, don’t you think I deserve that loan?  We’re family, Steve, we’re family."

Steve handed me 13 bucks.  “Thanks, Steve.”

★★★

brattyhealy:

can’t believe all irish people were born today wow happy birthday

the-awesome-adventurer:

I think the snapchats of my math teacher are the only thing I’ll be remembered for and I’m okay with that

apupy:

fruitsgarden:

look at these idiots just sitting aroung

get jobs

apupy:

fruitsgarden:

look at these idiots just sitting aroung

get jobs

  • teacher: i’m gonna-
  • me: mAke iT bENd AnD bREaK, saY A pRAyEr And leT tHE goOD TiMEs roLL [SLOWLY RISE OUT OF SEAT], in cASe God DOesn’t shOW [JUMPS ONTO CHAIR] aND i WaNt thESe WORds tO mAke tHiNGs RIght BUt iT’s tHe WroNGs That mAke thE wORds cOme To LiFe [THROWS DESK ACROSS THE ROOM] “WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?” If tHaT’s thE WOrst yoU Got bETter pUt YOur FinGErs BAck tO thE kEYs [DROP KICKS TEACHER] oNe niGHt anD oNe MorE tImE [BUSTS DOWN DOOR TO ANOTHER CLASS] tHAnkS fOr thE mEMoriEs evEN tHOugH tHEy WERen’t sO GReat [UPPERCUTS A PLAY DOUGH CAN] “He TaSTes liKE yOu oNLy sWEetEr.”

crystallized-teardrops:

sometimes i forgot that i’ll have to pay for internet in the future

i just turned my tv off

perfumeandpancakes:

ellen degeneres can host my funeral

clintbarttons:

people are winning oscars and getting pizza and im here on the couch with nothing

extrasad:

i really wanna kiss you and be cute with you and fall asleep in your arms and go on stupid dates but i also sort of want to light you on fire and throw myself into traffic so idk

tagged → #hgh

sexpansion:

*covers up real feelings with aggressive sarcasm*

tagged → #fucking

buttwyatt:

oscar predictions:

best picture: breaking bad

best actor: that dancing alien gif

best actress: me

and the opening monologue will be 10 minutes of matthew mcconaughey doing his chest beat thing

basedpidgeot:

given my follower count and the number of days in a year its way more than reasonable to assume that it’s one of your birthdays today

happy birthday whoever you are